how much my life has changed as of late has been drastic.
So this guy asked me to watch movies with him and I said only if there’s pizza. Does this make me a pizza hooker? Lolololol
In the equation of my love life I often test other variables but he will forever be my constant variable.
When I take a long look at my life, as though from outside, it does not appear particularly happy. Yet I am even less justified in calling it unhappy, despite all its mistakes. After all, it is foolish to keep probing for happiness or unhappiness, for it seems to me it would be hard to exchange the unhappiest days of my life for all the happy ones. If what matters in a person’s existence is to accept the inevitable consciously, to taste the good and bad to the full and to make for oneself a more individual, unaccidental and inward destiny alongside one’s external fate, then my life has been neither empty nor worthless. Even if, as it is decreed by the gods, fate has inexorably trod over my external existence as it does with everyone, my inner life has been of my own making . I deserve its sweetness and bitterness and accept full responsibility for it.
- Hermann Hesse, Gertrude (via psychotherapy)
I just received another one of those long texts that you just can’t help but wince, question, and not believe as soon as you read it. Him and I were a train wreck waiting to happen but it was a train wreck I didn’t want to stop. I greedily wanted an easy way out even if it was temporary rather than struggle to make it alone. Men are my crutch. I use them for my self-value, a way to make decisions, reassurance, and many other things I nor any other girl should do. I’ve made my personality flexible enough to fit in with anyone and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the only way I feel worth something to the world is if I have one man’s approval. I will stand on my own two feet. In the next few months my life is going to become increasingly difficult. I wanted someone to be there for me but now I know the most important thing I can do for myself is do it by myself.
